Gaining During A Diet: How a 59-year-old-mother gained an abundance of confidence, self-worth, and self-love during a diet (with Denise Maher)

Paul Salter:

Hey Denise, thank you so much for being here. How are you?

Denise Maher:

I’m doing great. Thank you for having me.

Paul Salter:

Absolutely. As I was just sharing, I am so excited to highlight you, your incredible story, and all of the positive changes you have made rather since we first met. So again, thank you for being here.

Denise Maher:

My pleasure.

Paul Salter:

Yeah. And I think really for everyone listening here, this is a note-taking style episode. You’re going to learn a lot of some of the tangible strategies Denise has used to really change her mindset, her behaviors, and overall her relationship, not only with food but with dieting in general. So if you are someone who relates to Denise’s story, which I’m going to have her share in a minute, definitely make sure you hit pause, have something handy to take notes with, and then come back to the episode. So with that said, Denise, bring us up to speed. Fill the listeners in on your journey prior to us meeting and where you were related to your health and fitness journey.

Denise Maher:

Sure. All right. So I found you and this community on Instagram, like many members of this community.

Paul Salter:

Shout out to social media.

Denise Maher:

Yeah. Stalked you for a year like so many people said in the past, and I can relate, but I really enjoyed [inaudible 00:01:28]. It felt a little different to me. It wasn’t so much focused on weight loss. It wasn’t the primary focus and that stuck out to me as being a little different. So I paid a little bit more attention and [inaudible 00:01:45].

Paul Salter:

I love that, and I appreciate that. I’m glad it stood out to you. And where did you find yourself in your own journey when it came to the scale and trying to lose weight and improve how you felt about yourself even prior to stumbling across me on social media?

Denise Maher:

Right. Well, my journey, I did not grow up with a weight issue per se. I didn’t [inaudible 00:02:10] diet through my youth or any of that kind of stuff. But very early on I [inaudible 00:02:20] have this unhealthy relationship with food, ’cause I was actually on the other end of the spectrum. I was very underweight and skinny and I was made fun of for being a green bean or chicken legs or whatever mean things kids say to you and some adults thinking it’s a compliment, but it created an emotional problem for me with my worth and how it relates to how you look. So there was a connection there between food and I need to eat more and all of that. So that’s how my connection with the emotional issues that I had with food started.

Paul Salter:

Yeah, I really appreciate you sharing that. I’m curious, how did that, I’m going to just say, that challenge plague you in your adult years as you entered adulthood and beyond? How did that hold you back from truly feeling and being the best version of you?

Denise Maher:

Yeah, well it put a lot of pressure on [inaudible 00:03:24]. It was an eye-opening experience for me as a kid to think that, oh, you’re judging me on my appearance and as a child you don’t think of that. So as I got older, I felt unworthy of being… [inaudible 00:03:44] I’m trying to say. I just kind of felt like it was a pattern of placing value on who I was as a person with how I looked. And so then as I got older, I like most people do when they grow and develop into their bodies, and then I hit my twenties and I was normal as far as “normal” goes.

But what happened was because I felt that I was too skinny, I had developed this overeating that it didn’t stick to my body because my metabolism as a kid was different and I was active and [inaudible 00:04:26]. So as you get older and your body starts to settle into its natural form, I still had this overeating situation. And so then in my early 20s, I actually had a short bout with bulimia because then all of a sudden my body started catching up.

And so I wasn’t “overweight”, but I started feeling self-conscious about that. So anytime I would eat something, I would make sure I got rid with it. And eventually my body started doing it on its own. So it was quite a wake-up call. It was pretty scary. I couldn’t keep food down and so forth. So that was a wake-up call for me. It was enough to scare me straight, but still the emotional connection that I had with food and my weight wasn’t addressed and I kept burying that. So I did not really address that side of it. It was always about diet and you’re supposed to look this way.

Paul Salter:

Yeah. I really appreciate you sharing that. And I hear similar variations of that story all the time where we fix one of the behaviors on the surface level, we kind of take a bandaid approach if you will. This is not me overly simplifying or exaggerating your solution or experience, but what’s missing is fixing that root cause or not even fixing, just addressing it, giving that past experience the love, the nurturing, the care, the attention it needs so that we can really work to change that belief into, for our example, you are worthy.

And when you start to really reframe that belief in yourself, your whole light shines 10 times brighter in every single area of your life. If that doesn’t happen, you don’t get to the crux of what’s really behind some of these undesirable behaviors that are holding us back from feeling our best, looking our best and of course being our best. So then I’m curious, coming up to your 12-month stalking campaign of me on social media, kidding aside, what were you really hoping to change or what was missing may be a better way to ask you that had you curious enough to ultimately connect with me and then join the 5% Community?

Denise Maher:

Well, you stood out to me because it wasn’t focusing on primary weight loss, it wasn’t about that. It was about the emotional connection, gaining food freedom and finding a sustainable way to keep any extra weight off if that was the case. But you focused on the community, focused on finding yourself. I don’t know, it was like an emotional freedom for me when I found the community. I was [inaudible 00:07:12] didn’t expect. I literally thought I was joining a community to lose weight, and that’s it.

And that is just such a small fraction of what I’ve gained so far. Originally, four or five weeks into joining the community before I even was on a diet phase, I already felt exactly how I wanted to feel prior to joining. I was so emotionally lost and very negative self-talk, all of that, that I couldn’t look myself in the mirror without feeling gross and just finding this community has released me of that in itself. And then that’s when I knew that I was ready for a diet phase because then it was something that I really wanted for the right reason. It wasn’t about dieting, losing weight, splurging, gaining it back, dieting, losing weight. So it was so much more for me.

Paul Salter:

I love hearing that and I’m so happy, and I’m curious if you had to describe, let’s fill in a gap here to help bring the listeners up to speed. Obviously I’m intimately familiar with your journey here. If you had to use in a sentence or two, how would you describe how you felt about yourself and your relationship with food just prior to joining the community and then again after those first four to five weeks?

Denise Maher:

Yeah. Well, it was really only until recently that I was able to pinpoint the emotional attachment that I had to food. I didn’t have that before. I just thought I was someone who I love food and it’s great and why wouldn’t you love food? It gives me so much [inaudible 00:09:01], which it still does-

Paul Salter:

Of course.

Denise Maher:

… [inaudible 00:09:04] it was a deeper emotional connection. So I was feeling scared. One of the reasons why I hesitated in joining yet another weight loss program, so to speak, because I didn’t realize this wasn’t a weight loss program. It was more about so much more. And I was really scared to try and I was afraid I was going to be giving up so much. And I thought before that if I could just lose the weight, I would be happy, not realizing that it’s the other way around. The weight loss came after I was happy. It wasn’t about the weight loss making me happy.

Paul Salter:

I love that. Yeah, we’re recording this episode in May, I just published something on social media maybe a week or so ago, more along the lines asking the question of if you woke up at your goal weight tomorrow, would you be happy? And the same applies in different contexts. If I added a million dollars to your bank account overnight tomorrow, would you be happy? Temporarily, absolutely.

For some people the scale more than money and vice versa. But at the end of the day, couple days, maybe a couple weeks, but definitely a couple months later that happiness fades. Nothing really has changed on the inside. And that’s why I like to use the verbiage we really take an inside out approach because if we can choose and cultivate happiness now, subconsciously we’re actually more prone to desiring the healthy behaviors that reinforce just how damn good we feel. And you are just a wonderful example of that. When that switch flips, everything kind of falls into place.

Denise Maher:

It does. And when I got into that diet phase, it wasn’t about restriction or scarcity or giving up, I actually felt like I was gaining so much more and I was learning how to eat in a way that fulfilled me emotionally but also sustained my body. It was guilt free, it was just very liberating.

Paul Salter:

I love what you just said, I just wrote it down as a note and I’m sure I’m going to use this as a playful title, but gaining during a dieting phase. I love that you said that because we’re conditioned to think restriction, restriction, can’t, can’t when we enter into a diet phase, we have to eat less, we can’t eat this, it’s just this scarcity mindset. But you just so beautifully summarized, you felt like you were gaining this knowledge, this awareness, this emotional connection, this confidence, this consistency. And I think that’s such a beautiful way to frame it. So thank you for that.

Denise Maher:

Oh, my pleasure. And also in the community of like-minded individuals who just are there to support each other, that in itself was something I wasn’t expecting. I thought it would be a forum basically where you talk to people about certain meals and tricks to keep the hunger off and all of that. And it turned into more people talking about their lives and what they’re dealing with and just uplifting each other when you need it. And it’s something I wasn’t expecting.

Paul Salter:

Yeah, here we are digging into the subconscious, emotional this, our greatest fears, our greatest self-sabotage, and you’re like wait, I thought I was just here for the diet tips.

Denise Maher:

[inaudible 00:12:34], it’s so true.

Paul Salter:

So I’m curious and reflecting back to Denise, in that first four to five week period, is there one particular either moment or experience that stands out above the rest that now looking back you could say that was the catalyst for the positive change I’ve experienced?

Denise Maher:

Yeah, there are a couple actually. But what stands out the most for me is when I was doing one of the modules on finding my why, and then you really dig deep into that finding your why, and it’s so much more than I want to be this number weight, I want to look like this or fit into that. And I discovered during that, that I wanted [inaudible 00:13:25] and that to me something that I have been able to hold onto.

I want to nourish my body and I want to live a long, healthy life. And I’m in a position where I see elderly parents who have spent a lifetime of not nourishing their body, and not taking care of themselves. And I see the struggles that they have in their later years. And it was like, I do not want to be like [inaudible 00:14:00]. Now, it’s almost like having a ghost of Christmas future [inaudible 00:14:08] look at that and say I have the opportunity now to take a hold of my life, take control of what I really want. And I just focused on being healthy and being the best version of myself.

Paul Salter:

That’s so good. I like to liken that concept to extreme ownership. A very popular concept or term used today. But it’s so true and the way you just described it, you recognized you had the opportunity, you are in control in the driver’s seat. And when you fully realized and took action with that, all of the wonderful things in your life kind of came together and just helped you to shine even brighter, which is phenomenal.

Denise Maher:

Yeah.

Paul Salter:

So we have a wonderful start to your 5% Community experience. It’s been wonderful the entire time but you made some really big changes and had some big key aha moments that fueled lasting change in the very beginning. Now that we’re a couple months into your experience… I’m still in the past, at that time, we’re a couple months into your experience, what does your self-talk begin to sound like as it relates to dieting? Because you see other members in the community are going through their respective dieting journeys and not everyone in our community diets, but I would say more people diet than don’t. Tell us a little bit more about where your heart and where your head we’re at around a diet phase.

Denise Maher:

I was actually really excited to start the diet phase and that’s in itself unusual, for me anyway. In my mind I was thinking what I’m going to be giving up and I’m not going to [inaudible 00:15:48], I can’t plan anything social, I can’t go out with my girlfriends, I can’t go on vacation, I can’t do any of those things previously to joining 5. And then I realized that it’s not so restrictive and you can still follow your blueprint and still have enjoyment and social life and you can do things and not feel so… I keep saying the word restricted, but that’s the freedom that you get from it. So I was very excited about doing that ’cause I knew that my mind was in the right place and I wasn’t feeling like I was giving up anything. It felt more like I was doing something for myself.

And so then I did an eight-week diet phase and I even went out for my daughter’s birthday one time and I went on vacation once during the eight weeks. And I stayed pretty much on plan. I would go out to dinner and I’d be creative in certain ways, but it didn’t feel like I was losing out because it was something that I wanted to do ’cause I knew that if I had to meet my goals, I just wanted to stay on what I had decided would be my plan.

Paul Salter:

Yeah. And if I had to distill your tremendous success into one reason, you do such a phenomenal job of carefully crafting… This is going to be a little wordy, but bear with me, carefully crafting an emotionally charged commitment or promise and then following through on it. You do such a great job, you patiently take your time. Okay, this is what I want, this is why, and now nothing is in my way. I’m just going to execute. And I think that shined really brightly in the diet phase because, and these are my words, not yours of course, but it seemed like it was easy. You were just living life per usual with a little less food on your plate.

Denise Maher:

Right. Exactly. I found being in a diet phase very easy because I created meals around my macros that we discussed were good for my goals and I made my food enjoyable. Nothing crazy, extravagant, just enjoyable. I never felt starving. I just made sure I fed and nourished myself. I knew my body and don’t get [inaudible 00:18:24] starving or are you going to go crazy because you just can’t control that sometimes. So I just kept myself on my goals and [inaudible 00:18:35] and on my blueprint, that seemed to work out great for me.

Paul Salter:

Yeah, it did. What’s that?

Denise Maher:

I said as a matter of fact, next week, because it’s been eight weeks, a little over eight weeks since I’ve been in maintenance. And so next week I’m going to start my next diet. I’m actually really looking forward to it. I feel really comfortable in that phase. And so I’m really [inaudible 00:19:06].

Paul Salter:

Yeah, you’re going to knock it out of the park. And your first one was such a tremendous success emotionally, mentally, but dropping double-digit pounds, countless inches is obviously icing on the cake. But for those of you listening, I asked every member this after completing that diet phase. So I asked an Denise, what were some of your learning lessons, not only about just dieting, but about yourself during this period? And typically people give me four or five, Denise gave me 15 learning lessons, which I love and showed how much she had gained out of this experience. And for those of you wondering what I think the most profound lesson she shared is, and I’ll have her share a few more, is lesson number five, Laughing Cow cheese is the bomb.

Denise Maher:

I still eat [inaudible 00:19:51] morning with my breakfast. I love it.

Paul Salter:

They are so good. That’s like crack and it’s such a big delicious, tasty, handy snack. But all kidding aside, I loved the variety of lessons you learned. There’s a couple [inaudible 00:20:04] and preparation is key, and we know this, but for you, Laughing Cow cheese handy, you mentioned having the Trader Joe’s frozen rice handy. There’s a theme of prep handy, setting yourself up for success, eating proactively versus reactively. I absolutely love that. But what I think really stands out and I’d love to hear more from you on is number nine, I am so fucking proud of myself. Tell me more.

Denise Maher:

And I still am. For committing it, making promises to myself and keeping them, not quitting, not just saying, oh it’s Friday, I’ve been good all week. I can have a glass of wine, which I do in maintenance, but [inaudible 00:20:52] diet phase, I made that commitment to myself that I’m going to be in a diet phase and you’re going to do this and let’s see what your body will do. Let’s see what it does. And every week I was amazed at the progress that I was making.

Paul Salter:

And yeah, I love that you said that too because I remember, and my weeks might be off plus or minus one, but the first four weeks of your diet, the weight melted off. We didn’t touch a thing and it was either week five, maybe week six, where we hit a plateau, which as we discussed, is normal and expected. But I remember from my perspective that was a mental test for you because things had been really, really easy from a scale perspective.

Then all of a sudden it was like, shit, we just ran into this big wall here. And inevitably we’re going to feel like, wait, why did all my hard work and efforts stop paying off? Oh, I guess it’s not really worth it anymore. And we had some great dialogue, kudos to you for just such awesome outstanding communication. But we got to the point where we made the necessary adjustment and we kept our mind set exactly where it needed to be, focused on the end goal, focused on the why. And then low and behold pounds kept coming off more and more. So I thought that was just such a cool example to reflect back on. It’s like you literally hit a wall, the plateau on the scale was real and you paused, you gathered yourself, you communicated, you asked for help and you kept moving forward.

Denise Maher:

And honestly in the past, if I was in that situation, it would’ve given me an excuse to give up and just live it up and throw out all my progress out the window and just forget about it. But I didn’t, and I trusted in the process and in the program and I leaned on the community and you, and some of the modules that you’ve given us as tools to help with that and push through and yeah, it worked.

And it came out in the end to be really great to stick to because eight weeks in and I had a [inaudible 00:23:04] 13… I don’t even know anymore. That’s how unattached I am to the scale, which is so unheard of that I [inaudible 00:23:14] actual numbers [inaudible 00:23:15] at this point. I know where I ended the diet phase and I know where I am now and I’m not even [inaudible 00:23:25] in any way. It’s not my driving force anymore.

Paul Salter:

Yeah, I love that. That in and of itself just provides so much freedom. I used to fall victim. There was a period of time, gosh, I would say 2010 to maybe 2015 where if that number was a pound or two above where it was supposed to be, it would ruin my day. And just a quick side note, I promise I’ll get us back on track when I was younger, you’re a big sports fan so you’ll appreciate this. I’m a big Washington Redskins football fan. And when I was in high school, if they lost, which happened very often, it would ruin not only my day, but the next three or four days. I would be a bear to be around. And my mom and I can joke about it now, but oh, I was awful. And I had a friend that was worse, believe it or not, but he’s a Cowboys fan, we don’t really care about him.

Anyway, that’s how I would respond when I would see a number on the scale I didn’t like or a number I wasn’t expecting. It would just suck any positivity or energy out of my day, take the wind from my sails, and you and I and everybody listening all know that is not a way to live. So getting to a place where we can detach from that number, at least elevate our relationship from negative to neutral. We gain so much from doing the work to actually arrive at that point. So I’m so happy that you have reached that point.

Denise Maher:

Yes, it’s an emotionally fulfilling feeling to have, but to have that is such peace that I never had before.

Paul Salter:

And you deserve it. So I’m so happy you have it. Yeah. So the one last learning lesson I want to highlight ’cause I love your opinion and experience here. You say you learn about yourself, that you can stand up to pressure and decline that just have one drink kind of suggestion that we all get from our friends. And let’s be very honest, they mean well, they just want to have fun, connect, bonding over a drink. Food is just part of our culture. But at the end of the day, we as the individual have to arrive at what our boundaries are. And I think the mistakes so many people make, which is why we do so many calls on boundaries, and the 5% Community is like they have no freaking clue what their boundaries are, let alone the ability to respect them because you can’t respect and enforce something you don’t know what it is. So tell us more about your experience and what you learned about really setting and protecting your own boundaries to support your goals.

Denise Maher:

Yeah. Well as I said earlier, during the diet phase, I did have a vacation planned down in your neck of the woods. And when you go to Florida, winter up here in the northeast and you go to the sunny weather and tropical and everybody’s out having a good time, and I had a great time, but definitely in the evenings or maybe in the day, there would be people who’d be like, are you sure you don’t want a drink? I’m like, no, I’m fine. I’m good, thanks. They’re like, well just one, just have one.

In my head I’m saying that’s not going to serve my goals, but I appreciate you asking. But I’m just like, no, thank you. Thanks. I’m good, I’m good. Or I would have club soda, just to have something in my hand, a club soda with a lime, just to avoid any of that kind of questioning just because [inaudible 00:26:48] you don’t want to have to get down that road with every single person and every single [inaudible 00:26:54].

But I did. And beforehand I was thinking probably maybe have one or two drinks while I’m there, whatever. But the longer the days went on, the easier it was for me and the less I cared. I didn’t care that I wasn’t having a drink. I’m good. And at the end of the week, the way that I felt about that was I was so proud of myself because I didn’t think that I’d be able to go whole week without it, without having drink ’cause [inaudible 00:27:25], but I didn’t and I didn’t miss anything and I still had a great time and I just felt really proud of myself for sticking to the promise that I made to myself before I went down.

Paul Salter:

I love that. And for those of you listening, one nugget I’ll share that I know Denise and I talked about beforehand that you can apply to any trip, vacation, business trip two day or long weekend getaway is how do you want to feel the first morning you wake back up in your own bed? Chances are you don’t want to feel cranky, hungover, exhausted, yada yada yada. And when you get clear on how you want to feel, that helps you reverse engineer where to prioritize your energy on what behaviors, what actions. And in this case, you recognize you very well could have had a drink or two and still felt great, but you realize my long-term goals are far more important than either the 30 seconds of a conversation saying yes to a drink or the short-term buzz I get from said drink. My long-term goals are more important ’cause I feel that way the vast majority of the time.

Denise Maher:

Right. And it’s like for me it was if I compromise on one part of it, what’s next? So then am I going to have that cheeseburger and fries for lunch ’cause it’s just one meal? I don’t want to open up that Pandora’s box per se. So it was just easier for me and that’s why I say it’s easy for me to be on a diet phase because for me, it was cut and dry. I knew that this is in my diet phase, this is not in my diet phase. And so I could stick to that. In maintenance, you have that flexibility to add that drink or the cheeseburger if you wanted or whatever. But if I want to reach my goals quickly, if I want to reach my goals in a sustainable way, I need to be clear on what those are and what I’m willing to compromise on.

Paul Salter:

Yeah, I love that. And I think too, one of the things that really helps you develop this… Most people find the diet phase black and white and easier, which is why 95% of people who lose weight inevitably regain it back. But us and you in particular are doing such a phenomenal job kind of muscling through the hard work before the diet phase to rebuild your relationship with food, take the negative emotions out of the driver’s seat of your behaviors.

That process alone helps you develop the confidence that ultimately translates to the gray area of navigating a maintenance phase. Where now, at any time you can have that drink, this free meal, whatever it may be. But that’s really difficult to do in general, especially if confidence and self trust are lacking. So the reason we take this inside out approach first is we need to build that confidence, that self-trust, because it always comes back to be needed later on really all the time. But in this case later on during the maintenance phase. So happy to hear you feel like not only can you kick ass and operate on autopilot during the diet, but you’ve rocked maintenance these past two months as well.

Denise Maher:

Yeah, I’m really happy with where I am. Going into maintenance, I was really nervous in some ways about am I going to gain it all back? When I’m not on my plan, am I going to revert back to old habits where I say screw it, and one free meal turns into a weekend and week and none of that happened. And I attribute a lot of that to one, the work I did beforehand with you and the community and also the support that you get from the rest of the community.

At first, when I joined the community, I was thinking it would give me a great source for accountability. Which it does, however, that isn’t what I lean on anymore. I lean on the support and my own healings and what I’ve gone through. But having the community to talk to and see what people are going through, and some people who [inaudible 00:31:32] earlier in their stage or haven’t found their emotional reasonings, I can see myself in them and I so easily want to tell them, oh my gosh, stop. You are so worth it. I was there and I was like, keep eating, why am I so heavy? I look gross. And you see people who have gone through that and you want to give them what you have and what you’ve learned. And people did that for me and it’s a great place to go for that for everybody. Yeah, really good support system. Great community.

Paul Salter:

It really is a phenomenal group of women. And we have our token, Dave. Shout out to Dave in there. Dave and I holding it down as well. But I’m so thrilled you feel so comfortable and safe and connected in our community. And I agree, it’s such a benefit to have people of various stages and ages in their journey. Because it’s one thing if you’re the beginner coming in, you can show up as a sponge and learn from so many people to expedite the process by avoiding mistakes and taking the learning lessons from people who have been there. But then as you start advancing in your journey, having the chance to give back and teach the people who are earlier in their journey just reinforces the learning lessons and what’s important. So you are learning as well, creating this win-win situation. And that’s a great place to be.

Denise Maher:

Yeah, it feels great.

Paul Salter:

Yeah. Well, Denise, I’ve got one last question for you. For somebody listening right now who maybe like you has been stalking me for a while, the podcast, the 5% Community, they too are struggling with their relationship with food, their emotions are getting the best of them, maybe they don’t feel worthy of success, worthy of truly feeling their best, their confidence is lacking, their nutrition and their weight are inconsistent. What would you say to her about joining the 5% Community?

Denise Maher:

Okay. I would tell them that you’re stronger than you gave yourself credit for. I would say that you can do this and that you are so worth it. And it will be the best decision you have made. What I’ve gotten out of this community I wish everybody could have as well. And if they come along and join the party with all of us, they’ll get it too. But I just think that people need to know that it’s not as scary as you think. I was really scared beforehand, I [inaudible 00:34:21] a lot of stuff, but you can do it and it’s worth it.

Paul Salter:

That was wonderful. Well, Denise, thank you so much for joining me today and being so willing to share your story and your incredible wisdom. Thank you.

Denise Maher:

It’s been fun. Thank you.

Paul Salter:

Absolutely. And for everybody listening, thank you for being here. If Denise’s story resonated with you any way, reach out to me. Let’s jump on a call, connect, and really just discuss more about what frustration challenges you’re facing right now and how myself, wonderful ladies like Denise and our entire community may be able to help you feel, look, and be that best version of yourself with limitless confidence, control, and peace of mind.

And if you found today’s episode valuable in any way, share it with a loved one, friend, family member, or anybody who also would take great value in hearing Denise’s story and all she has learned and how she has grown since joining us in the 5% Community. And if you haven’t done so already, it takes 30 seconds to leave a genuine rating and review on Apple Podcast or wherever you are listening to today’s episode. Thank you again for being here. Have a wonderful rest of your day. And as always, screw the scale.